A letter to my boys about being a man, and not a chauvinist.

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Dear boys,

All my life, I grew up listening to the elders around me say how difficult and anxiety ridden it is to bring up a daughter. I’ve heard every parent with a daughter say “Don’t squander! you have a daughter to marry off” or “I am so worried when she is out alone” or “you can’t go for that trip”  or “Why can’t you put the duppatta properly?”  or my mother (just like any other Indian mother) concluding the long drawn arguments with the overused punchline “you will only understand when you become a mother to a girl child”

So yes, I was conditioned to believe that having a boy is a good thing. See my dears, I don’t have to worry as I don’t have to marry you off with huge dowries; in fact you are expected to bring it in by marrying a wealthy girl. And your only chance to do that is  if you are an engineer or a doctor; not a rock star. That’s another story and I will tell you about it another time. With you, I don’t have to worry about misplaced duppattas or you wearing jeans and t – shirts. Obviously you are allowed to wear whatever you want to. You can even walk around in your Jockeys, but if you were a girl, I will have to send you swimming in burqas and salwar kameezes. I don’t have to worry about you being ambitious or spontaneous. I don’t have to worry when you stay out late or go to nightclubs or bars or down two drinks. I don’t have to worry when you decide to back pack and hike your way up the lonely hills of Himachal Pradesh or trek the unknown tracts of Brazilian rainforests. I don’t have to worry when you push your limits. Because that’s okay! That’s okay when you are a boy.

Today when I write this, you – my elder darling is seven and my younger sweet heart – you are still in the womb. I think I am too young to be writing this, and you two – well, ridiculously young to understand it.But, on the day when you do understand, I hope this will mean something to you. Around me are stories of innumerous rapes with sometimes shocking accounts of fathers and brothers violating their daughters and sisters. When the news came to me that I am going to have another boy, it struck me that raising a son perhaps is much more tougher than raising a girl.The more I thought of it, the more I think girls are pushed further and further inside the ridiculously small boundaries because of your kind. Every time I see those rapists, those woman- blaming hypocrites, the men who take women to be sex dolls – I am scared. It scares me to think that you would grow up to be one of them. I don’t want you to, and I honestly don’t know how I would teach you both to be better men when you grow up.

The first advice to me as I hit puberty came as  a story. The story of the leaf and the thorn! My mother told me that every woman was like a leaf and every man a thorn. It did not matter whether the thorn fell on the leaf, or the leaf fell on the thorn; it was the leaf who always had to suffer the consequences. In simpler words, consensual or rape – the blame – darling is always on the woman! After all, there has never been a virginity test for men, Was there? Every woman grew up hearing this story. But I don’t remember any anecdote that was passed on as puberty advice to men. It’s sad that we still pass it on to the daughters. I want you to know that there is no way the leaf has to take the blame if the thorn tore it into pieces. No leaf goes around looking for the thorn. If I had a girl, I would ask her to look out for herself, be aware of the dangers that are around her, But I will never ask her to take the blame for a man’s violations.

You might already know that a pair of jeans with a casual tee is the most comfortable way to go around. I love it too. I will sleep in it if I had to! When I am at the Abu Dhabi airport, I often forget what I’m wearing. I feel myself at ease. But when I reach the Trivandrum International airport,  I feel stark naked even if I pull a jacket over. It feels as if my breasts and butt just appeared out of nowhere. If reading this makes you cringe, imagine how uncomfortable it makes a woman to go through it. You’re a man and being attracted to women is natural.But there is a difference darling, between ‘stripping someone off their clothes with your eyes’ and checking out. There is a point where it becomes lecherous. I hope you would grow up to understand that if a woman’s dress slips, it’s not something for you take advantage of. I hope you know when to avert your gaze and respect her privacy.

If you like someone, do ask her out for a coffee but please don’t act as if she is just a body that you find attractive. Just because she accepted your request doesn’t mean she is there to make out either. It just means she likes you and probably wants to know you better. And being an English teacher myself, let me tell you that there are adjectives that you can use to let her know that you like her, and ‘hot’,  ‘sexy’, and ‘something about her ass’ are definitely not among them. ‘Beautiful’, my sons, will always be a good compliment.

When I wear a dress, all I think of is how good it makes me look. I make sure that the dress flatters my skin tone, my body size and shape. Well, I bet that’s what you think of too when choosing something to wear. I want people to look at me and see that I’m pretty. When I wear a red lipstick, that is because I love red, and I think it looks nice on me, not because I am a slut. I might get my hair coloured, my body tattooed or pierced, because I like it. When I wear a knee length skirt or a sleeveless blouse, it is because I like it. May be she likes wine. May be she loves hanging out with male friends or going to night clubs. It means she likes having fun. None of these my darling, is in anyway an invitation to sex.  Your mind is your own – I hope you are it’s master and you would understand that nothing she wears or does says she wants sex unless she herself says it. If something she does, doesn’t appeal to you, Move on! You guys don’t click, that’s all. It doesn’t mean her way of life is wrong.It’s not your job to judge or dictate someone’s life. I’m not saying that there are no women who lounge in the depressing ditch, there are. Just the way there are men who lounge in the same ditch of degradation. Do not judge an entire sex by the few.

The first time I heard of those bastards in the bus was when I was in college. One of my friends came crying and told us that she was groped as she was getting on to the bus. She yelled at him, but no one responded and the man just walked on through the busiest bus station in the city – unconcerned, unquestioned. We were in a bus another day when a man kept on bothering a woman who finally responded. But she soon became the victim as everyone around her (including the shameless me) did nothing, but watch her being insulted by the man who called her a liar. Then came another time, when I jumped off a bus teary eyed, too scared to respond. Three or four college boys got off the bus with me. All they said was “If you had said something- anything, We would have put the bastard in place” I was in college back then, but I guess that was the last time I responded with tears. I knew it was better to open my mouth and say something. After all, as people would rather believe, it is not our fault. I want you to be one of those men who respond. If you see a woman being harassed, I don’t want you to turn your head away. I want you to react. I want you to step up-to him in any way you can and not leave it alone.

From a very early age, the society that I grew up in asked to keep my dreams small and contained. Although, I’ve broken off the constraints in my growing years, I can’t say that I am completely free of them. When you my dear, once commented that, it was the mother’s job to cook and stay at home, and that women didn’t do much, I felt myself die a little. I wondered whether I’ve in some way given you the wrong idea of what women can do. But then, your father had corrected you saying that there was nothing of that sort and women can do anything they want. When I left my job during my pregnancy, you said that you loved your mother – the working mother. Every time, you asked me where I was going to work next, I felt as if you had bigger dreams about your mother’s career plans, than me myself.

I want you to know that we have a mind of our own and in that mind we have dreams of our own. I want you to remember that a girl has her own perspectives, opinions, aspirations, ideologies and life style. If someone says that these things do not count in our culture, then tell them that their culture of gender inequality is not yours. If someone says that something cannot be done by a woman, don’t listen to them. A woman can do anything as long as she believes in herself. The problem is that the society teaches her to not believe in herself from the moment she is born. It tells her that she is weaker, helpless and incapable of pushing the limits. I want you to know that there are women who will beat you at soccer and pull you out of sticky situations which you cannot handle, and debate with you on politics and culture. There will be times when she will be the stronger one of you two, even helping you stand straight up in times you cannot. I want you to learn to see them as your equals and not some’thing‘ inferior to you.

“Don’t talk to a man like that. You are a woman” Another classic! If you can talk like that, so can she. If you disrespect her, so can she. Respect is mutual, darlings. If you don’t give it, don’t expect any. Respect her opinion. Respect her privacy. Respect her. When you have a girl friend, or if you fall in love or if you get married – remember that she is still a person. She has her own likes and dislikes. Don’t expect her to give it all up – who she was, her memories, her beliefs, her habits, her likes, her dislikes, her priorities, her dreams and aspirations. If you can’t, probably she can’t too!

I hope when you are reading this, you are living in a different world from mine. I hope the streets are safer for women and they are not discriminated. But if it still hasn’t changed, I want you to remember that being a man doesn’t give you the right to be a dictator. It is you who can make it a better place for the women. If that means you have to stand alone from the rest of the masses, so be it! I hope you two would grow up to be men, whom a woman would not be scared of being with alone, even if it is in a dark, deserted alley. I hope you would be a man whom a woman would love to spend her life with, for the one reason, that you let her be!

Love

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11 thoughts on “A letter to my boys about being a man, and not a chauvinist.

  1. Its a well written article, ma’m. And since you mentioned Thiruvananthapuram and abu dhabi, I assume may be you are a keralite. Going through your words, i remember an instance which i w’d like to share with you. I had a friend(boy) whose name,Amrit, resembled one which was generally used for girls, Amrita. One day i was talking to another friend about how i had played a prank on Amrit, which i had found funny at that age. My mother over heard this and thought Amrit to be Amrita, a girl. Filled with rage, at the thought of her son misbehaving with a girl, she beat the living shit out of me. I was pretty flabbergasted, as to why she was so angry, because people generally complained to her about me being too naughty, so it was taken for granted that i would always be up to some mischief.
    Later on, she found out about the confusing tale between names and hugged me and bought me an ice cream. She told me how she got confused in the names. I was 9 years at that time.
    As years passed there were many occasions, when she w’d strictly say to me in a stony voice that if she got any complaint from any girl me whatever be the reason, I would be thrown out of the house that day itself.
    I would not say that every mother should be as strict as my mother, but when we have a problem this big we need to take strong measures against it. Indian mothers are generally too obsessed with their sons, esp. in North India. My mother had an education till 10th std., but her behavior can be attributed to her family/friends or the high social indicators in Kerala.
    But, i believe only an educated mother can instill strong morals in her children.

    • 😂😂 funny and sweet! If my son talks about me this way in another 20 years, I’d be happy, Suraj. It would mean that I was able to teach him something. Your mother did – even if it meant being strict.

      Even in Kerala, the son worship rate is high! There are mothers who lose it when they have had a girl. But I guess, these things are comparatively lower. Education as you said is one of the major factors that can help in alleviating these problems. And families need to understand too. I hope we will raise our sons properly instead of asking the girls to keep within limits.

      Thank you for your comment, Suraj!

  2. “I’m not saying that there are women who lounge in the depressing ditch, There are”……A typo? You meant “I’m not saying that there are NO women who lounge in the depressing ditch, There are”?

  3. Very forthright and uncomplicated, no inconsistencies, whatsoever. Wish the text could have been shorter as that would have made the impact sharper. No matter how genuine the intent is, the eagerness to prove the same point over and again makes it look kind of obsessive.

    “The first time I heard of those bastards”…..This was brilliant, establishing the essential fierceness in the writer (Also serves as a clear message to “all” not to even risk an attempt at taking the writer for granted, let alone taking her for granted) when it is most warranted and most appropriate! Kudos to that expression!

    • Haris,

      Thank You!

      Well, I too wish the post had been shorter. However, when I was writing this, I was thinking more about what I would have told my son if he was an adult now, than creating a write up. I guess that’s the reason.

  4. My first child is a girl and when I had the second, which is also a girl, I remember my then colleagues saying this ridiculous thing: “Don’t worry Haris, next will be a boy”. I was perplexed at that, coming from sensible looking persons! I got a third daughter and I am grateful to God for all my three daughters and my son.

    Less said the better about a society where marrying without dowry makes a man a genius! We have men shameless enough to brag marrying without dowry (That is when marrying for dowry is plainly illegal)…..It is adding insult to injury when the “enlightened” “friends” of such men complimenting them with this: നന്നായി ഇത്ര വലിയ ത്യാഗം നീ ചെയ്തല്ലോ, നീ ആ പെണ്ണിനൊരു ജീവിതം കൊടുത്തല്ലോ, നമ്മളെ കൊണ്ടൊന്നും പറ്റാത്തതാണ്” നന്നായി ഇത്ര വലിയ ത്യാഗം നീ ചെയ്തല്ലോ, നീ ആ പെണ്ണിനൊരു ജീവിതം കൊടുത്തല്ലോ, നമ്മളെ കൊണ്ടൊന്നും പറ്റാത്തതാണ്” Height of nonsense!!

    • Oh, I know how annoying it can be. Even though I don’t have a girl, I feel this rage every time someone makes that silly comment sympathizing someone who has had a girl. My elder brother has two cute girls and everyone was like “I bet he is sad that he didn’t have a boy this time.” I know my brother. He doesn’t care. I’ve heard of grandmothers who have fainted when they came to know that the baby is a girl. Hilarious, I guess. And the dowry part of it, I know someone who married a young girl from a poor family without any dowry and he goes around bragging about how he has given a woman a life. I hope all of it would change sometime. 😊

  5. Thank God, I am very certain, my daughters would never say or even think they have been treated differently than my son! Nothing patronizing about that and it is not that this is a favor to the girls but just doing the right thing. Even my sisters, indipendent individuals as such but so used to the patriarchy system that they are not even awae of that, asked me this when my wife was carrying our son (We didn’t know it was a boy because I was adamant that the doctor must not reveal the gender before the birth, because I knew that would have made my wife worry, in case that turns out to be a girl “again”, no matter how irrelevant the child’s gender would have been to me at any point): “Edaa how would you feel if this too is a girl?” The first thing I asked them was “What you mean by THIS TOO?” Knowing one another, we had a good laugh over this.

    Society being as sick as it is, is making us sick but more annoying is the nonsense rhetoric about “Our Culture, tradition and values” as if they existed in the first place!

    I must give you a break now, taken more of your space than I should have-enough for the day. Would comment on another note, if I come across one such and provided that you wouldn’t mind 🙂 🙂

  6. Oh, I am really sorry ma’am for this unforgivably long time to reply. But, I am the one who should be thanking you than the other way round, for this post. 🙂

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